I’ve created a barrier of protection. This barrier has been my shield. Filled with fear, doubt, worry, shame, and lack of self worth. This barrier really hasn’t protected me at all but rather stopped me from being who I truly am.
Deep down below those layers – that is where the true me is. That is where the little girl is waiting to just shine in all her beauty.
This shield I created was all driven by my subconscious. I see it now. The self sabotaging patterns; over eating, eating things I know are bad for me, drinking when I know my body doesn’t want it, stress, feeling overwhelmed, feeling not worthy or good enough… all these patterns consumed me. Destroyed me. Brought me to what feels like my last straw. These patterns are deeply rooted in me. Roots that are not so easy to let go of.
But now I have come face to face with all these patterns and things that I am holding on to and playing out that no longer serve me. They are not me. I am not them. They have manifested into my physical body causing me close to unbearable pain. I am forced to deal with it all. To finally let go of what is tearing me down. It is time to break down the barrier and unleash my true self.
We all have those patterns we hang on to, you know which ones I am talking about, that we find comfort and safety in. Those patterns where we will defend with all our mighty but deep down know that they aren’t helping us in any way. Reaching for a class of wine at the end of the day, stuffing your face with a bag full of chips, coming up with amazing ideas but not following through, starting projects but never finishing them… all these patterns just stop us and slow us down to really getting back to who we really are and really living our truth.
As hard as we may want to push down or look away at what really is causing us to play out these patterns, to really look at why we do the things we do, it really is the only way to finding true peace.
I know I have faced things that have happened in my past. I’ve tried to let them go. I’ve gone through the process of forgiving everyone, including myself, for everything that has ever happened to me. But at the same time I know, in the back of my mind, that there are big things that I didn’t want to deal with. That I didn’t want to address because I knew it would hurt. I knew the pain ran deep. I was scared to dive into those dark places. But every time I did, man it was challenging – that I won’t deny. After all that exploration through the deep end, you come out on the other end so much lighter and clearer. It’s worth it. I even say this, still going through the deep end but I know that there is good things are on the other side.
I know that I have to believe in myself more. That I have to push harder to get to that other side of where I want to be. I know that is where my true self lies. I know that and I can feel it. I have been waiting to see her for a LONG time. I am close to being ready to just fight hard for it. But right now I am weak with having to break down my barrier, let go of my patterns, restore my body, and change my perspective. A lot of work still needs to be done but I know that I have the strength to make the change. To take myself to that finish line and rise above the pain so that I can finally live in love. In love of myself, in love of my life.
To my authentic self,
I am ready and waiting for you to finally reveal yourself.
I’ve dreamt of you for some time.
I see and know your beauty is as bright as the sun.
Your strength and courage is already inspiring me.
I can’t wait to show you off to everyone.
I can’t wait to feel the expansiveness and openness of your being.
Already I know you will feel like the home I have longed for.
Come to me.
For I know that I am divine just like you.
That you are everything.
That you are the love I have really been searching for.
I am so grateful you are on your way back home to me.
Come to me soon before its too late.